


Regrets

by CSDreyse



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Brother-Sister Relationships, Brotherly Love, Childhood, Childhood Memories, I miss him so much, Regret, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 09:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11288442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CSDreyse/pseuds/CSDreyse
Summary: Someone asked me once who from my past I wished was still around. This is my answer even if that person might never know it. The person I miss the most is my brother.





	Regrets

I think the person I miss the most is my brother. He was actually only my half brother and I didn't have much time with him but there is nothing I regret more I think.  
He was...a wonderful person. He smiled a lot and was an absolute fanboy for his sports. All things I know about him are from my mom.  
We had the same father, he is eleven years older than my mother, but there is no way I would love him less just because of this.

I have one picture of him, in my father's garden, where he is embracing me from behind and we are both laughing towards the camera, both of our eyes closed. I was maybe six in that photography and I don't think I've ever looked happier. Even though I have no memories about that or about him, it makes me happy to think that he really loved me.  
We didn't have any contact anymore since he and our father fought and they refused to talk to each other. My mother didn't really care about that fight so she always went with me to visit him. She said that I was really happy while being around him.  
When my parents got divorced shortly afterward I was afraid of visiting my brother alone, it makes my heart ache but my mom told me that I was always afraid of my father and that is one of my only childhood memories. I can only remember the bad things, not the good ones. Probably because I was always weak and afraid.  
But when we saw each other I always greeted him and I think he looked at least a bit happy to see me.  
A few years ago, two I think, I met him again at the garden. At that time I was in a clinic because of my psychological problems and that stuff. I went to visit him, I wanted to see him one more time and I did. We talked a bit, I felt better even though it was really awkward. When he told me that he hoped for me to get well soon and that I didn't harm myself anymore I really wanted to fight. It made me happy to think that he still loved me and still cared about me after all those years.

I had a fight with my father and wasn't in contact for over a year with him, but the clinic though it was a good idea for us to have contact again (it REALLY wasn't even though it was good to have at least one last good time, even though it didn't end well), so I hadn't visited the garden for a long time. With the clinic and that stuff, after being released, I visited it more again. And there was a time I felt more than happy, I felt complete. When I saw my brother I always greeted him and he smiled back, I looked out to see him way more than I did before. So one day I was visiting one of the neighbors and my brother was there, I greeted them from afar because I wanted to go on but that neighbor called after me saying that this wasn't a real way of greeting someone. So I went there and kissed both of them on the cheek, I felt really uncomfortable though and that was the last time I saw my brother.  
My father hated him, he never really understood why all the people around him were leaving him, neither did I. But now I know better and I am thankful that I chose to break up with my father, just like my brother did. Our father may not have meant it but he separated me from a really important person and talked bad about all the people I loved. I think that he wanted to make sure that I would never leave him, that I would love him too much to do that. But that did exactly the opposite...him telling me after that first meeting with my brother after years that he didn't really care about me since he had so many other half sisters to think about and that they were actually keeping contact with him broke my heart. I really didn't want to believe him, still refuse to do so, but it wouldn't wonder me if there was nobody that loved me. At least not after all those years in which I was too afraid to actually talk to my own brother. Who wouldn't hate somebody like that?

I didn't though about my brother for a while but then we were at a party (my mom, my stepfather and me)...we were listening to those national songs, in German, which you would never put on at a party but it actually all were old people. My mom turned towards me, smiling and said “That song makes me feel a bit nostalgic. Your brother used to love that song, we always played it at his birthday. You know...it's for his favorite ice hockey team!”  
I excused myself and went out to take a few deep breaths of fresh air. The air inside smell after the smoke of everyone's cigarettes and alcohol. And there, in the middle of the night, in a little city most people don't know it exists I started crying like a baby. I cried and I couldn't hold back the tears, the pain nearly making me scream. But being afraid and through so much, I could bear that. I knew that I had missed my chance. Life had given me a second chance to get my brother back but I wasn't able to take it, didn't see it disappearing from right in front of me. I went inside after the song was over, asked the stars of that beautiful night sky to protect my brother, and played my role of being happy again.  
I didn't expect them to play his song again, my mother singing it happily, not meaning any harm of course, but I excused myself again and left the moment I felt the tears coming up again. My mother, being my mother, obviously noticed that something was wrong and went after me. When she found me crying, sitting in the dirt, under the clear night sky I don't think she knew what was off. After calming me I told her how much I missed my brother, how I wished to know at least a little about him, how I wished I could have had more contact with him, how I wished that I could have shown him that I really loved him.

That was the moment my mother told me a few things about him, it really wasn't much but I hold these pieces of information dear. They are the only thing left of him.  
I don't know if I will ever meet him again.  
I don't know if he will ever forgive me not being strong enough to visit him.  
I don't know if he will ever love me the way I love him.  
I don't know if he ever worried about me and wondered if I was doing fine.

All I know is that my brother is a person I would really love to have back in my life. And that I probably will never regret anything more than losing my own brother.

He may never read this or know about how I feel, but he doesn't have to.  
Because I have faith in the stars that they will grant my wish and make him happy, that they will fulfill his life how they did until now.  
With or without me.


End file.
